


Loss

by awkwardly_antisocial



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, mentions of various characters - Freeform, or so I tried, touka needs lots of love too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 22:05:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10728201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardly_antisocial/pseuds/awkwardly_antisocial
Summary: "She wanted to scream. She wanted to yell until her lungs gave out and her throat was scratched out, but all she could do is stay silent, feeling completely numb, and watch as Anteiku burned down in flames, together with the life she spent so much time building." Touka contemplates all the loss in her life. Angst, set during the Anteiku raid.





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Again, transferred from fanfiction.net  
> Felt like there were not enough works on my wife, so  
> Also, disclaimer that Tokyo Ghoul aint mine rip

She wanted to scream. She wanted to yell until her lungs gave out and her throat was scratched out, but all she could do is stay silent, feeling completely numb, and watch as Anteiku burned down in flames, together with the life she spent so much time building.

„We need to go.", came Yomo's voice, though gentler than usual.

And so they went. They ran and jumped and skipped and crawled as far as they could. All the while, Touka couldn't shut her thoughts out. She tried locking them away in the depths of her mind, but they were too persistent. So, for the next few hours, she just had to pretend they're not there, at least until she's alone. Harder said than done, she thought, as tears prickled at the corners of her eyes. No, she had to stay strong. She had to prove that she was not weak. But, in truth, that's all she ever was. Weak. A coward. _Broken. Alone._

All the pretend she did past few years was temporary. What did she expect? She's a ghoul. Ghouls don't get happily ever afters. They don't get to have a family, or friends. They don't get to have education, happiness, or a normal life. If she wasn't what she was, maybe she'd be able to look Yoriko in the eyes and not feel like shit for lying to her. Maybe she could really like her food. Maybe she'd still have parents, and a brother. But she was what she was. And she could never change that. All that's left was to run far away and try to lead the most normal life she could.

At this point, Touka decided to numb the pain, at least until Yomo and her are in a safe area. So, instead of thinking, she closed her eyes and shut herself in her own little world because the dreams are way better than reality. And in some cases, nightmares are better than reality, too.

Eventually, Yomo and Touka's running came to a halt. They were standing before some very old looking buildings. The windows were whole, but the rest wasnt. The walls were scratched and full of holes, what was once supposed to be white was a mixture of green, black and grey. Everything was covered in dust and spider webs.

„You wait inside and don't come out. I'll be back soon.", Yomo said as he turned to leave.

„Where are you going?", Touka's voice lacked the usual coldness and confidence. It came out weak and unstable.

„I need to check on something. I will be back. Don't worry.", he replied.

„But-", she started, but didn't get to finish. Yomo was gone in a blink of an eye and Touka was left there, standing in the mess of old buildings and dirt.

With a sigh, she slowly pushed the door to one of the buildings open, and stepped inside. She felt a shiver run down her spine as she made her way up the stairs. This used to be some kind of a hotel, judging by the first floor. After a few minutes, she found a room she figured was decent enough and decided she'll wait for Yomo there. Making her way to the bedroom, she tried not to cringe at the dirt and dust which were decorating the place quite nicely. With next to zero energy left, she flopped on the bed and let all the buried emotions fly out, until there was nothing left except the numbness she knew all too well. She lied there, her thoughts stuck to the raging battle in the 20th Ward. They won't make it. The Doves were overpowering them. Yet, Touka didn't understand why was she bothered by all this. She was used to loss, to grief, to the pain. After all, that's everything she knew from a very young age.

It started off easy. Her mother, Hikari Kirishima, died when she was very young. Touka didn't even remember her. Somewhere in the back of her mind, there were a few sketches of her mother's features. And that's all she could remember. All she knew was what her father told her. He often reminded her of how much she resembled her mother, in the appearance and personality both. She barely remembers some stories he used to tell her and Ayato before the bed. But neither of them could feel the pain from their mother's death. They could only feel the absence of a motherly figure, of one parent, they could only guess what it would be like to have a mother. Because, really, how can you miss something you never had?

So, when she lost her father, things were a bit different. This time, she had memories. Lots of them. She knew what it was like to have a father. So, when he disappeared, she didn't know what to do. „He will be back, he won't leave us", she used to tell herself and Ayato. But, truth to be told, she didn't know who was she trying to convince. And she waited there for days, cradling Ayato in her arms, and calming him down. But he wasn't back. And one day, she started crying with Ayato, instead of hushing him. Because she knew. He wouldn't be back. They'll never get to hear the bedtime stories again, never get to see their father shake his head at them, still keeping that warm and kind smile he always had. And so, even though they were so young, Touka knew their childhood was over. But, as she watched her little brother 'sleep' in a dusty abandoned house they found while shaking with tears of grief, she knew. She had to be strong for both of them. She had to let her brother keep his innocence, for at least a little more. She wouldn't cry in front of him. She had to teach him a lot of things, that's what she promised her dad. And that promise was now all she had left of him. Eventually, he'll become what her mother is. A distant memory. And that thought hurt almost as much as the agonizing pain of losing him.

Years later, after she convinced herself there will be no more pain of loss, she wanted to punch herself in the face for thinking it was all over. It never is. But this time, she was really alone. When her mother died, she still had her father and brother. When her father died, her brother was still there. But then, Ayato left her as well. Losing him didn't hurt as much as the manner he left in. She was there for him. After they lost their parents, she killed and fought when he was still too scared to. After he swallowed up his fear though, he stood by her side. They got pretty famous in the 20th ward as the 'Kirishima siblings'. They were a well matched duo, working in perfect union, and they fought off every opponent who dared approach them. They were wrecking havoc in every way possible. That was until they met the Anteiku staff. Touka agreed to working in a café to pay off the appartment the old man will get for them. Ayato didn't like that idea in the least. While Touka hated the CCG way more than normal humans, Ayato, hated every damn human. Working at Anteiku made Touka grow the same kind of interest in humans their father had which caused lots of fights and bickering between them. They never spoke of their parents. Ayato hated them, and Touka loved them. That was a taboo topic in their siblingship. Things went even more downhill once she started going to school and made friends with Yoriko. The cracks in their relationship became so big, neither was sure they could be fixed. And so, one day, he was just gone. Some of his stuff was missing, and Touka knew. She worried for days about what's going on, until Yomo informed her of Ayato's doings in the 14th Ward. Everything she ever did for him, and he _left_ her. In that moment, she realized the grief over a person who's still alive is much worse than the grief for someone who's not.

She was alone, this time for real. At least that's what she thought. But Anteiku was there. She grew closer to the other staff members, met Hinami and Ryuoko-san. Things were okay. But she couldn't trust them like she wanted to. She trusted Ayato, her brother. And he abandoned her without looking back. He took all the trust and love and shoved it down her throat until she couldn't breathe. And years later, as she lied on the rooftop, bloody and bruised from what her little brother did to her, she realized it. He didn't even feel sorry for leaving her. He didn't give a crap. But if he didn't care to even look back and was ready to beat her until she's barely breathing, why the hell did she still care so much? The truth is, when she looked at him, she still saw the shy little brother who loved her so much. Something she'll never see again.

She bulit a home at Anteiku. The old man was like a father figure. He made her whole life turn the right way. Instead of bloody street fights and a life of a murderer, he gave her a chance to be happy, to live a normal life. He was a life saver. Irimi and Koma were some kind of older siblings. Their bickering and jokes brought an honest smile to her face from time to time and made her happy even when she didn't show it. They encouraged her to do things, to live while she can because they knew what's it like to not have a chance to. She was always grateful for everything, even if she didn't show it. Now, they are fighting for her sake. They're fighting so she can run, run far away. They're going to die so she can live, just like her parents did. And there was nothing she could do about it, but lie there and hope for the sleep to come and take away this pain.

That damn suicidal idiot wasn't even supposed to be there. He was supposed to live, to go with them, but dammit, he wouldn't budge. He was there in that battle field right now, instead of being with her or that little group of his. „Don't you ever come back to Anteiku." was the last thing she told him. What she wouldn't give to go back in time and punch herself in the face. She recalled how awkward, shy and kind he was when he first started working in the cafe. No matter how much she tried to push him away, to get him ready for the real world, he stayed the humble and innocent sweet guy he was. In some moments, for example when he found out that she killed those investigators or when he was supposed to kill one, his eyes shined with the kindness and innocence. But he wouldn't last. There was no ghoul who could stay clean. She knows that. And she wished he would just realize that life wasn't a fairtale. But when she saw him again after he was imprisoned, she would press the 'go the fuck back' button faster than a lighting. When she saw those emotionless eyes- no, not emotionless. There was emotion, it just couldn't be explained. All she knew is that they weren't kind and innocent anymore. The awkward dark haired boy who thought there was always good in the world was replaced by a white haired and cruel ghoul, who knew damn well of this world's injustice. He promised her she wasn't gonna be alone. And he was someone she chose to trust, because of his previous kindness and foolishness. So she trusted him. He left. For months, he didn't say anything, he was off the radar and she was alone again. She was so pissed when she saw him at the bridge. She said a lot of things. If she only knew that'd be the last time she saw him. She held the little keychain tightly in her hand. Fuck him. Fuck him and his kind smile and soft eyes which lured her to open herself to someone again. Where did that lead her? More pain. That's where trust always leads to.

She didn't know where Hinami was. Her sweet little Hinami. She was the only family she had left. No, they weren't related by blood, but that's not all family is. Hinami was like a little sister she never had. She was the only person Touka would smile for. The only person who made her have some hope in this world. She was even more innocent and kind than Kaneki. But her kind of innocence was different. She still had that childhood innocence, even after her parents were taken away from her. She was so lonely and Touka could see that, but she knew damn well that there was nothing she can do, but be besides her. Honestly, when Touka looked at her, she saw her younger self. The one she was before her father died and she was forced to grow up for her and her brother's sake. Hinami didn't have to let go of that childhood yet. Touka did everything in her power to let her keep it a little longer. She failed as a big sister to Ayato, so she tried to be the better one to Hinami. As she stared at the ceiling, she thought about how she failed again. Who knew wether Hinami was alive or not. She just hoped that she's still with Kaneki's group, and safe. She would look for her, later. And she would apologize for failing her. That's all she could do now.

Yoriko. Yoriko will wonder where did Touka disappear off to. Yoriko didn't know what she was. Touka wouldnt have it any other way. She couldnt bear to drag Yoriko into the bloody mess that was her life, a life of a ghoul. Tomorrow, she will be far away from this ward. Her contact details will be changed, and she already destroyed her phone. She will probably be listed off as missing. Yoriko will be able to go back to her normal life. Maybe she becomes a chief, which was always something she talked about. Touka hopes her dreams come true, for she knows what's it like for dreams to shatter. For a brief moment, she wonders what it'd be like if she was human. She wouldn't have to run from her best friend now. She could be at home, smiling and laughing with Yoriko. But all that will ever be is a dream. A shattered dream. When she saw Kimi accepting that bastard Nishiki, she wondered if Yoriko would be the same. Even if she was, that would only drag her into this cursed world. If anyone deserved happiness, that's Yoriko. So, she will turn away and run, because that's the best thing she could do for someone she used to call her best friend.

She'd probably even miss shitty Nishiki's sorry ass. Him and his sexist comments, and insults and all their bickering. She would never admit this, but she kind of grew fond of him. He wasn't as much of a bastard when he didn't want to be.

Touka didn't realize she was crying. She wondered at which point did the tears start to fall. She wasn't the type to cry a lot. She always had to be strong for someone. But she was so fragile, on the inside, where no one ever saw. And at that point, she let it all out. She screamed and she yelled at nothing. She screamed for the childhood she lost, for the innocence that was taken away, the life she'll never get to lead. She yelled for the family and friends she's lost, for the injustice and pain and all the wrong in this world. She scratched at her skin until it was hard for her healing abilities to recover it in hope of the physical pain shutting away the burning sensation in her chest, the soreness of her throat, and all the emotions that bit and punched her insides while at the same time spreading the numbness through her form. Eventually darkness overcame her. The pleasent feeling of drifting into permanent nothingness. It will at least make her feel everything's alright, for even a short period of time. She doesnt care wether it will be a dream, nightmare or just dark. All of those are still better than reality.

_ **THE END** _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoed that!


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